(Barbara was many things--wife, mother, grandmother, teacher, mentor, friend, prayer warrior--and exceptional in many ways. But of all the things I could say about her, one, to me, stands above all the rest--Barbara Rodgers had a heart for God. Her impact on me, on many others who knew her, and on the church I attend, was profound. The letter which follows was originally written shortly before Barbara went to be with her Lord, and was distributed after her death to the women whom she had carefully mentored for years. It is a poignant glimpse into the heart of a godly woman suffering through the final stages of cancer. With the consent of her husband, I'm publishing it here, both as a way of honoring someone I loved and respected very much; and to allow Barbara, even after her death, to continue helping others who may need encouragement in similar circumstances.)
Dear Friends:
I wanted to take this opportunity while I'm reasonably free from pain and share with you some thoughts; and tell you how very much you all mean to me.Many of you may recall how God placed a desire in my heart for having a place where young women could meet together, study the Word, and be encouraged in their roles as young mothers and housewives. This ministry was started in 1991. I always believed this was where God called me, and as a result, I have received much more from you girls than I could ever give. Each of you have really blessed my life. Thank you so much for the response and love many of you have shown.Over the years, I have shared with you the part prayer has played in my life. I believe it is through prayer that we learn to be completely dependent upon Him--as we come not demanding things our way, but learning to wait and lean on Him when things don't always go as we think they should. It is through this process that we become conformed to His image.I also shared with many of you how close in fellowship I came to God through my experiences with cancer since 1989. This was a time when He grew me up to live in complete dependence on Him. He and I became intimately acquainted and He became my dearest friend. During this time God sent me two prayer warriors, Kathy Jackson and Joyce Hixon. We prayed for our children, church and families.Now I have to confess a few things. This particular bout with cancer has been so different from the very beginning than my others. Instead of learning from God and being reassured of His healing and answering prayer in my life, it was as though God shut the heavens and I could hear nothing. I was unable to have the deep Bible study and fellowship with my Lord He had showed me was possible. I felt cut off from the only One who could help me. I could still pray those remote perfunctory prayers but not those that would see me through this. I was finally able to share with Kathy Scott, who had reached out to me so much. She kept sharing that this is the way God sometimes works and that I must just remember how deeply loved I was and He was conforming me to His image through this process--that His main desire was to bring glory and honor to Himself through my suffering. I felt it difficult to see how this happens when I seem to be losing that special intimacy, and growing apart from Him rather than closer. She kept reminding me to remember that He was the "Doer" and I was to be the "receiver" and not to worry or fret about what I could do for Him. Can you understand how going through all those emotions were in fact worse than the cancer itself? I felt so alone.Also, instead of focusing on all the prayer God had and was answering for me, I began to focus on what he was not doing. Remember how I shared we never reach that place where we could say or revel, "I have arrived in Christlikeness."? Even at the end of our lives, He is still growing us up in Christ. Having this attitude saves us so much from pride and boastfulness as we realize it is He, not "I", doing His good works through us.Last week, the week of January 21st, was when everything came to a head for me. First of all, it was through such unbearable pain that I could not handle the stress of it. I could only sit and cry and ask "Why, God, why?". I began to pray that if God was not going to heal me, prepare my family and friends and take me quickly. It was then that I received a letter from Kathy Scott sharing how God reacts to different people when they cry out to Him for love and compassion. I would like to share that with you:********He answered her not a word (Matthew 15:23).He will rest in his love (Zeph. 3:17)It may be a child of God reading these words who has had some great crushing sorrow, some bitter disappointment, some heartbreaking blow from a totally unexpected quarter. You are longing for your Master's voice bidding you, "Be of good cheer," but only silence and a sense of mystery and misery meet you - "He answered her not a word."God's tender heart must often ache listening to all the sad, complaining cries which arise from our weak, impatient hearts, because we do not see that for our own sakes He answers not at all or otherwise than seems best to our tear-blinded, shortsighted eyes.The silences of Jesus are as eloquent as His speech and may be a sign, not of His disapproval, but of His approval and of a deep purpose of blessing for you."Why art though cast down, O...soul?" Thou shalt yet praise Him, yes, even for His silence. Listen to an old and beautiful story of how one Christian dreamed that she saw three others at prayer. As they knelt the Master drew near to them.As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her in tenderness and grace, with smiles full of radiant love and spoke to her in accents of purest, sweetest music. Leaving her, He came to the next, but only placed His hand upon her bowed head, and gave her one look of loving approval. The third woman He passed almost abruptlly without stopping for a word or glance. The woman in her dream said to herself, "How greatly He must love the first one, to the second He have His approval, but none of the special demonstrations of love He gave the first; and the third must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all and not even a passing look."I wonder what she has done, and why He made so much difference between them?" As she tried to account for the action of her Lord, He Himself stood by her and said: "O woman! how wrongly hast though interpreted Me. The first kneeling woman needs all the weight of My tenderness and care to keep her feet in My narrow way. She needs My love, thought, and help every moment of the day. Without it she would fail and fall."The second has a stronger faith and deeper love, and I can trust her to trust me however things may go and whatever people do. "The third, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect has faith and love of the finest quality, and her I am training by quick and drastic processes for the highest and holiest service. "She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so utterly, that she is independent of words or looks or any outward intimation of My approval. She is not dismayed nor discouraged by any circumstances through which I arrange that she shall pass; she trusts Me when sense and reason and every finer instinct of the natural heart would rebel - because she knows that I am working in her for eternity, and that what I do, though she knows not the explanation now, she will understand hereafter."I am silent in My love because I love beyond the power of words to express, or of human hearts to understand, and also for your sakes that you may learn to love and trust Me in Spirit-taught, spontaneous response to My love, without the spur of anything outward to call it forth."He "will do marvels" if you will learn the mystery of His silence, and praise Him, for every time He withdraws His gifts that you may better know and love the Giver.********She will never know much this spoke to me and then there was my breakthrough--God spoke to me! He knew I needed it at this particular time.It was then Lori heard from God and performed a miracle of getting me some relief from pain. I know the cause of the pain is still there, but for the time being it is being masked.Another thing I have always shared with you is that Jehovah God is our healer but from the beginning I have also shared my belief that there is a time to be born and a time to die. To not accept that for me would put me at odds with Him and prolong my suffering. There comes a time when we must accept what God is saying and not fight against Him. A death here means a healing in the arms of Jesus.If this is God's will I want to be in that perfect will. I do not fear death but I have to confess, I fear suffering, but I have to trust that God will be sufficient for this. I pray that all of you will accept His perfect will for my life and still see Him as our sovereign God - the one who heals.I have tried to share with you my many thoughts in a letter because for so many months I have been unable to talk on the phone or be around people. It is not that I don't love them or you, but I find it easier to suffer in privacy. I pray you will understand this and give me grace.I believe God confirmed to me that this letter is necessary, not only for you but for myself. As I was in the midst of it, Louise Pullen called and questioned me about these very questions and as I was talking to her, God helped me clarify the thoughts. For many people it is hard to reconcile a God who heals, with someone who doesn't act the way we think He should. I dealt with this very problem through the death of a dear friend, Gaye Watkins, about 20 years ago.I pray for you girls, that you will draw closer to Him through this experience and come to accept the trials and sufferings that will come into your life in the days ahead. He will become sweeter to you if you do.Your cards, letters and prayers have truly been an encouragement to me and I thank each of you for your wonderful comments. I especially appreciate those women and men that fasted and prayed for me in this long period of time. Love you,Barb
